How to Affair Proof your Marriage

How do you build a marriage that flourishes and lasts 'till death do you part?' What a vital question!

We live in a culture where marriage is under pressure because divorce, cohabitation and and sex outside of marriage are all on the rise and are more and more seen as easy and viable options. Why is that? We live in an individualistic consumerist culture where “I get what I want, when I want it, for as long as I want it” - personal fulfilment and personal freedom are the most important values!

However God’s intention for marriage is very different. Genesis 2.24-25 tells us marriage involves 4 things

(1) Leave (publicly)
(2) Cleave (to make a vow/covenant/promise before God and other people)
(3) Become one-flesh
(4) Be naked and unashamed

Henry Blocher describes marriage and nakedness like this

“Marriage is the covenant sanction by the authority in charge of social order, by which a man and a women commit themselves unreservedly to each other to live a common life and to join in sexual union…Nakedness means not to be concealed from one another, but to be revealed and known without any cover”

So we summarised marriage as involving
(1) Total Commitment - nothing hold back and no going back (life-long) - this clashes against the cultural idol of “personal fulfilment”
(2) Total Unity - you hold nothing back, reserve no ‘personal rights’ and share everything - this clashes against the cultural idol of “personal freedom”
(3) Total Vulnerability - you hold nothing back, nothing is concealed - this clashes against the cultural idol of “personal protection/control”

This life-long commitment, sharing and vulnerability must occur in every area of life - physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Many marriage problems comes from (a) one partner not really leaving and cleaving (in all 4 areas) and (b) one partner feeling more committed, more giving/united and more vulnerable.

When the disciples heard Jesus’ teaching on marriage they concluded “if this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Who could be that kind of spouse? It’s impossible! Well it is for us, but there was one man who loved his bride, the church, in this way. On the cross, Jesus shows us what it takes to make marriage work….it is self-sacrificial love which entails total commitment, total vulnerability and results in total unity! And it is only as you understand what it is to be married/united to him that you’ll have the resources/power to be the kind of spouse God wants you to be. As you experience all the benefits of being united with Christ you have all the freedom. fulfilment and protection you could ever need and his self-sacrificial love melts you out of your selfishness. The only was you’ll affair-proof your marriage and build a marriage that flourishes and lasts till death do you part is to reap all the benefits and experience all the power of being united with Christ. As my mum told me “the greatest gift you can give your spouse is the quality of your relationships with the Lord Jesus.” This is what Paul seems to be saying in Ephesians 5.21-32 - the earthly/temporary marriage is to be patterned on and empowered by the heavenly/eternal marriage.

So we see God’s intention for marriage has 4 main principles….

(1) Total Commitment - not “personal fulfilment”
(2) Total Unity - not “personal freedom”
(3) Total Vulnerability - not “personal protection/control”
(4) Totally Self-Sacrificial Love - not “selfishness….the world should revolve around me”

We can now answer a whole host of questions.

(1) Why should you not have sex (or co-habit) before marriage? Because you need to be vulnerable/united to the other person in every area….not just physically. And you need to promise life-long commitment (not hold a ‘get out clause’) which means you’ll count the cost. If not you are being selfish and sex will not ultimately bring blessing but pain (which our culture shows). You must give yourself and be united in every way! Good sex is part of a package which starts with life-long commitment!

(2) Why do we counsel not to marry a non-Christian? Because you can’t unite and be vulnerable with them around the most central issue in life…faith! You can’t pray together. And ultimately this will drive you apart (or drive you apart from God…one of your relationships will be compromised).

(3) How do you choose your marriage partner? It is not a issue of how you FEEL in the moment. It is an issue of whether you can be the mind of person who is totally committed, vulnerable, united and self-sacrifical. And you need to choose someone who you can unite around the most important issue - i.e faith and character and outlook on life, not physical attraction. Outward beauty fades (we all end up ugly), inner beauty lasts and grows and grows and grows. Unite yourself to someone who will stay beautiful and grow in beauty.

(4) How do you date? All 4 principles must grow together and until point (1) (life-long commitment is in place) then most of points 2-4 will have to wait until engagement. If your relationship isn’t building towards marriage (i.e that first step of life-long commitment) then you should end it!

(5) What if you are divorce? God hates divorce (Malachi 2.16) and Jesus says you now have certain responsibilities before God and mankind (Matthew 19). But you are not a write off from God’s kingdom (or the church). God wants to bring redemption to your life (Hosea 14.4) and comfort. He want to comfort you by reminding you that he knows what it is to be divorced (Jeremiah 3) and have a marriage that failed (Hosea 1-3). In fact you will have a very important part to play in the church because you understand the heart of God better than most of us.

(6) What if you are single? You’re not! You are married to Christ and in fact your wedding day is still to come. The way to approach the problems/challenges of singleness is to grow in your marriage with Christ and enjoy the benefits of being part of his bride (i.e lost of relationships)!

(7) How do you affair proof your marriage and build a marriage that will flourish and last till death do you part? After running to your true spouse (Jesus) and experiencing his love for you, you need to work out whether you are totally commited, united, vulnerable and self-sacrificial in all areas of your marriage. Do an MOT of your marriage 2-3 times a year and seek help/advice from another couple when needed regarding the 4 principles in…

(1) Finance
(2) Sex (read 1 Corinthians 7.2-7)
(3) Church
(4) Friends
(5) Devotional Lives
(6) Family/in-laws
(7) Romance (vs busyness/tiredness/pragmatism)
(8) Emotional Connection (Love Languages - acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts and quality time)
(9) Parenting
(10) etc

Questions for Discussion and Application

(1) What pressures does our culture put on marriage?

(2) Why do people find marriage hard?

(3) Do we treat marriage too lightly in our culture? Why?

(4) What does God say about marriage from Genesis 2.24-25? What does it involve? How does this clash with our culture (and our own hearts?)

(5) From Ephesians 5.21-32, how is earthly/temporary marriage a pointer to the heavenly/eternal marriage? How does understanding the heavenly marriage help us with our earthly marriages

(6) As Christians do we often see marriage as “the answer/destination?” Why? What will happen if we do?

(7) If you are single. (a) How does being married to Christ help you in your singleness? (b) How can you support married couples you know?

(8) If you are married (b) How does being married to Christ help you in your marriage? (b) How can you build a marriage that blesses singles?

(9) How does a godly understanding of marriage (heavenly and earthly) help us answer other questions regarding (a) divorce and (b) sex/cohabitation before marriage (c) marrying a non-Christian (d) dating (e) singleness and building a marriage that lasts and flourishes all the way till death do you part?